Somewhere in the past year or two

my way of expressing myself has drastically changed uhhh for the worse. I used to be all FCKUUU EMOTIONS, but now I respond to everything by crying. When I’m super happy, I tear up, same when I’m really frustrated. When I get into confrontations with anyone I care about, I flat out cry which is SO FUCKING STUPID because my mind will be going AHHHHH FUCK YOU ASSH-wait…no NO, do NOT CRY, WHY? INAPPROPRIATE TIME! Because at those times, I generally want to look like a hardass, and yell, and be pissed, and probably not talk. But then the tears go and whoever’s there starts feeling bad which is SO not the intention, I don’t do crocodile tears or guilt trips. And then the making up starts, which I’m usually not ready for cause I want to be mad a bit more. When I’m sad, well duh, but I’m pleased to say that happens very rarely (who would know, since I’m crying all the time right). WHEN I WATCH WAR MOVIES HOLY SHIT. During Schindler’s List, when he starts talking about how he could’ve saved one more person if he’d got rid of some shit…literally bawling everywhere, with a tissue box on the desk (because this was in class and the whole class was like wtf). When I watch war movies, inevitably something clicks in my head that “jesus christ, this actually happens/happened” and I go all Leeloo

I dunno, they just make me hate humanity, and what’s sadder than that come on. Every little injustice gets to me (I actually hope that doesn’t go away).

And I’m pretty sure it’s got something to do with my relationship, because ever since being with Peat and really being in love for the first time, where as before I thought I was but had no clue blahblah (oh my god I sound like a 12 year old girl), I’ve opened up a lot and feel things way more intensely it seems like. 

Although I’m happy to say that when I get into confrontations with people I don’t care about, I can manage. I managed to punch someone for sexually harassing me (I tried more reasonable methods first, but anger got the best I guess, don’t really regret it). I also walked out on my manager being a huge asshole, despite the well paying job that went with it, which I also don’t regret. Surprise, they’re brothers and both situations happened at work. lol

Anyway, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with crying, but I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be my main method of interacting with people I care about. Seriously, people used to call me a robot. Now all these feeeeeeeeeelings. There’s got to be some middle ground here, or I’ll just have my tear ducts removed.